5 Delish DIY Ideas For When You’re Really Drunk at a Dining Hall

As thrifty, money-savvy college students “in and of and on the sidewalk of the city,” we have to employ a strict budget when we’re out on the town, which, if you’re not a total loser nerd, means you carefully allocate all of your parents’ money on vodka and “those cool little stirring straws that you put in your drink.” That leaves little to no money for taking care of a hungry, booze-filled stomach and you’re tired of those guys at Gray’s Payaya giving you dirty glances when you ask if they accept CampusCash/for their numbers.

Fear no more. Here’s 5 absolutely scrumptious, delightful, and easy ways to make yourself a quick meal and also a chance to smugly tell your plebeian friends what “DIY” stands for.

1. A Lot of Goldfish Crackers

Ingredients:
Goldfish crackers

Find the dining hall’s stash of Goldfish somewhere around the salad bar. If they don’t have it stocked that particular night, drunkenly flex your expert knowledge of the Constitution and your God-given right to have some goddamned Goldfish, goddammit. Feel free to disregard the serving spoon; go ahead and forget about using plates and utensils, too. Just dig your hand right in and help yourself. Justify your behavior by saying how you used to eat these “all the time” when you were a kid.

Repeat until your appetite is satiated or until you realize just what exactly you have done.

2. Hot Sauce à la Goldfish

Ingredients:
Goldfish crackers
Hot Sauce

Grab multiple bottles of Frank’s RedHot. Don’t worry about pesky folk asking if you’re finished with them, because you aren’t, okay, you never will be, because this is your night, your turf, and you aren’t in the business of giving away handouts, you got that, pal? Good.

After successfully establishing your dominance in the cafeteria, grab a good handful or two of the main ingredients, the Goldfish and the Goldfish crumbs on the bottom of the tray, and “Bam!” it onto your plate, Emeril style. Next, position three inverted bottles of hot sauce in your hands into the position that we in the business solemnly call “The Frank’s RedHot Trifecta” and “Bam!” as much of that spicy goodness you can humanly “Bam!” onto that plate/table. Did you get carried away and put more spice than you can handle? Don’t worry, you won’t remember any of this.

3. Fish and Chips

Ingredients:
Fries
Secret ingredient

Anglophiles rejoice! This recipe puts a delightful twist on a classic dish that hails from the famous home of Big Ben, afternoon tea, and Her Royal Majesty: NYU London.

Combine the fries and the secret ingredient (Goldfish crackers) in a cup and shake vigorously like that cute bartender showed you how. Garnish with a generous amount of Frank’s RedHot.

4. Ohhh God

Ingredients:
Hold On
I Need to Puke

Take care of that.
Why don’t you balance out that red-hot aftertaste with some Goldfish crackers?

5. Summon an Unspeakable One

Ingredients:
666 Goldfish crackers

No doubt by now you’ve worked yourself up into a bacchanalic frenzy perfect for communing directly with the Most Ancient and Revered of Beings. After entering your inebriated trance state, your hands will subconsciously arrange the Goldfish into a fully-realized, four-dimensional representation of Metatron’s Cube. At this point, a deluge of fetid brackish water will start to flow from the fragile fabric of space-time, and the Great and Terrible Dagon, Fish-God of the Akkadians, will emerge from the black flood, the reflection from his scaled fish-tail blinding those who are unworthy.

If you’ve been a good and faithful servant of East Semitic Mesopotamian fertility gods, then Dagon will replace your mortal hunger with the fury and madness of the gods. If not, well, he will allow one Instagram photo (no filter).

Happy cooking!