A Day In the Life: John Sexton’s 4/20

8:00 am: Greet the day with a blunt full of that dank-licious green stuff. Money. I smoke money.

8:30 am: Give self a quick tuggeroo to get the motor jump started.

9:30 am: Eat a big breakfast of endangered manatee caviar and bald eagle pate with a big glass African child solider tears.

10:45 am: Hit up my dealer, a clone I made with the DNA of Seth Rogen, Snoop Dogg, Benjamin Franklin and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Buy 7 zips.

11:00 am: Raise tuition to $420,000 (lolol) to pay for that clone I made.

11:34 am: Smoke so many blunts that my lungs start whistling. How great is Danny Brown?

11:38 am: Buy Danny Brown.

11:53 am: I have grown bored of Danny Brown. Release him into the wild.

Noon: Have lunch consisting of a Quesadilla but using the Declaration of Independence instead of a tortilla.

12:18 pm: Purge so I can keep my figure.

12:30 pm: Stalk students to bully into hugging me inappropriately.

4:00 pm: Kidnap a Stern student and turn him into a bong. I own these sheep, I can do what I want with them.

4:20 pm: Smoke my student bong. I love power.

7:15 pm: Dinner of oil from Abu Dhabi with garnish of rubies and financial aid money.

8:30 pm: Start up my blowjob robot, and recline on my rooftop patio made with plants only found in the Jurassic Era. Eventually fall asleep.