Admissions Ambassadors Finding It Difficult to Talk While Also Licking John Sexton’s Salty Nuts

NEW YORK, NY — After realizing his entire tour group was staring at him blankly, Admissions Ambassador Parker Moses realized that it was impossible to talk coherently with the huge, wrinkly, salty nuts of John Sexton taking up so much real estate in his mouth.

“I mean, I’m conflicted because a big part of our job is getting people interested in the school and showing them what makes NYU so great,” said Parker after momentarily pulling the NYU President’s leathery sack out of his mouth. “But the number one responsibility is definitely keeping John happy.”

In the wake of several student deaths, Admissions Ambassadors instead chose to focus on the fact that the man who is almost single-handedly destroying Greenwich Village gives really great hugs. Parker and his peers have been doing great work navigating the nooks and crannies of Sexton’s testes, and Sexton thanks them for their service to the school and to him.