Are My Pants Too Baggy To Land A Fuckboy?

Hey folks! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and if you’re anything like me you’re desperately looking for someone to find you just a tiny bit attractive for just 16 hours. Unfortunately for me, and all you lovely readers, I’m only attracted to the ever-elusive fuckboy.

“But what’s this?” you ask, “Why do I, a champion of self love and who-gives-a-fuckery demand that an idiotic bro in his early twenties find me attractive?”

You begin to wonder if you should wear heels every day or if you should tweeze the single eyebrow hair that grew out of line or if you should spend $4.25 on a dryer at the laundromat to make sure your jeans are tight enough to get a boy from tinder to lock onto you using heat vision like a goddamn snake.

To answer the question in the headline, yeah. They are too baggy. But maybe just buy a vibrator or something? I don’t know.