Arson Charges Dropped Against Tisch Junior After Discovering That It Was Just His Mixtape
Tragedy struck the residents of Alumni Hall last week, as the entire 6th floor had to be evacuated due to fire. Firefighters soon arrived on the scene, quickly putting out the fire with minimum damage with reported injuries. However, they soon traced the origins of the fire back to room 616, occupied by Junior Dominic Coles. At first, foul play was suspected, but recent investigation has proven the origin to in fact be Dom’s new mixtape, “this is the mixtape.”
“At first, it seemed like a classic 451, just some punk kid playing with a lighter. Turns out this kid was spitting bars so hot they ignited the whole floor. Haven’t seen anything like this since my time back in the 313,” commented Captain Wallace, who lead up the investigation. “It’s whatever, you know? I’m just out here, doing my thing. I’m not trying to light up. I’m not trying to be the voice of a generation. This shit just happens, you know? I’ll apologize for burning the curtains, but I’ll never apologize for being real,” commented Dom, whose verses reportedly reached a record temperate of 450 degrees Fahrenheit before setting fire to everything around him.
While analysis speculate these bars might top the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire for hottest flames, the surgeon general has advised against listening to the album anywhere besides freezers, bodies of water, or inside buildings already on fire.