Winter Storm Juno is shaping up to be one of the worst snow storms ever to hit Manhattan, according to Mayor Bill de Blasio. This means one thing, and one thing only, for NYU Executive VP of Operations Alison Leary: a marathon night of feeding the bearded clam.
Leary has purportedly bought The Temptations’ For Lovers Only compilation album, five lavender scented candles, and the Hitachi X3000 personal massager.
Literal inside sources on the scene during last year’s Snowpocalypse, when Leary refused to cancel school, compared the high-pitched squeals and grunts of ecstasy to those of recently castrated swine, but were altogether impressed by Leary’s ability to stuff thirteen inches of plastic phallus up her cooter.
Leary views snow storms and the related misery that they bring to students with uncancelled class the way that adolescent girls view Ryan Gosling films. Using the collective misery of fifty thousand students who will be forced to put themselves into dangerous situations in order to get to class, Leary is able to rock herself into a whole nother universe of orgasmic bliss.
NYU students can sleep easy tonight, knowing that as the Sanitation department works to plow the city streets, Alison Leary will be plowing the streets of Little Poontown with her trusty truck fingers.