As of last week, the Barney building of Steinhardt has been quarantined for “Levels of Tobacco Smoke Beyond the Human Capacity of Understanding.” A thick smog-like black smoke has covered the entire building and is believed to be an old Lovecraftian deity.
Not much is known about the Barney Building. It houses art and painting classes, which means it’s filled with art students. These students, much like zombies feeding on brains, need tobacco to thrive. But after years and years of cultured and misunderstood art students just trying to get a moment of clarity, it seems the smoke is here to stay. “We thought that if we put the art building farther from campus and keep it ventilated we would be fine,’ says resident environmental scientist Art McHarley. “We were fools. It was our own hubris that destroyed us.”
Residents of the Alumni Dorm, right across the street from Barney, have reported hearing strange noises at night, such as demonic chanting, ghastly screams and agitated opinions about Georgia O’Keefe.
The status of the students and teachers still in the building is unknown, but since some money will have to be used to take care of the problem, maybe wait a couple of semesters to take that painting class.