Bobst To Close Distinguished Masturbation Room

Take one last whiff, people; the Elmer Holmes Bobst Library has announced plans to close its popular windowless room. The reservation-only space became well known around campus as a safe, sterile environment where stressed out students could crank one out real quick before they got back to their studies.

The Warren G. Harding Room for Personal Growth and Titillation was often regarded as a mecca for students to hammer out difficult academic concepts while simultaneously presenting the option for uninhibited, full out genital stimulation.

The space was founded in 1999 after a string of incidents within Bobst’s hallowed halls lead to an outcry by student organizations for NYU to create a space where students could really get down to business. “We realize that learning is sexy,” an NYU representative is quoted as saying in a 1999 article, “and we’re thrilled by that, that idea that knowledge just gets some people off so good.”

The closing comes in light of increased budget cuts that effectively eliminate the chamber’s bi-hourly cleaning process. Bobst had also received continuing pressure to shut the room down after the infamous “Black-Light-Gate” scandal last spring, in which a student attempting to videotape the room in ultraviolet light accidentally filmed one of their peers studying rigorously.

“It honestly sucks,” said David, a senior at Stern. “My roommates are constantly home, and I’ve always seen Bobst as a place where I could get totally immersed in my studies in between sessions of really just going to town on myself.” David said he now plans on relieving himself in some of the more isolated parts of NYU campus. “It’s like, where is my tuition going?”