Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders caused a stampede at his own rally in Washington Square Park today, with approximately 2,000 NYU students rioting after not one, not two, but three pigeons landed on his podium.
Sanders, gasping for his last breath, issued a final statement, surrounded by dozens of weeping white men with dreads: “As I lay here dying, my breath stomped out by thousands of pairs of Birkenstocks and Doc Martens, I can only hope to leave you with my one wish: please burn all of the banks. Set fire to every kiosk and ATM! Do not stop till every Chase and Navy Federal Credit Union is set ablaze! As the righteous flames consume those disgusting wealth-worshipping cesspools, think of me. Also, please remind my wife to dry clean this suit. I spilled some tuna salad on it earlier.”