BREAKING NEWS: NYU’s Presidential Shortlist Leaked!

As many of you know, our current All-Father John Sexton will soon be stepping down as NYU’s President and the search for his replacement has the school all excited! Luckily, this reporter was able to get her hands on the shortlist. Below is a Washington Square Local exclusive excerpt of some of the candidates being considered, including notes highlighting their strengths and weaknesses.

1. The Monopoly Guy!

An old rich white man, good with money and infrastructure, although his frequent jail time may be a red flag.

2. The Demon That Possessed Alison Leary!

Since Alison Leary sold her soul to the dark lord of winter for a Kit Kat bar, it would be ridiculous to not consider the demon that made her who he she is, Ka’helkpher, bringer of nightmares.

3. Dylan and Cole Sprouse but as their “Zach and Cody” Characters!

Imagine all the crazy shenanigans we as a school could get into with these wacky guys as President? Also side note: did you know the guy who played Mr. Mosby killed someone?

4. Jennifer Lawrence’s Leaked Nudes!

She’s Hollywood’s it girl!  And by electing these pictures president we take our sexuality back from the patriarchy.

5. Palladium Smoothie Girl

Probably the most important member of the NYU faculty. She may as well take the next logical leap to president.

6. The Ghost of the Guy Mr. Mosby Killed!

Pretty self-explanatory.