BREAKING: No One At NYU Offended For Five Whole Minutes

In a shocking turn, not one NYU student was offended between 12:11pm and 12:17pm last Tuesday, sources say. “I’m honestly extremely offended by this,” said Gallatin sophomore, Chloe Brown. “Not one person was offended by anything? We really need to up our game.”

Journalism professor Hugh McKenan looked astonished by the news. “In every single one of my classes there’s a spat of some sort. I can’t imagine how the stars could have aligned for the ENTIRE NYU community not to be offended for five minutes.” In fact, there were no fights, arguments, spats, jaw-drops, passive aggressive glares, or even disgruntled groans on campus, a phenomenon never before seen in the NYU community. The previous record of 15.2 seconds was set on January 2nd, 1972, when student weren’t even on campus.

This documentation presents somewhat of a problem for the admissions office, as NYU’s reputation comes into question. “I can’t even imagine what this will do to our numbers for hipster applicants. It’s truly devastating,” said admissions officer Tara O’Niell.

NYU had previously topped The Wall Street Journal’s “List of Most Offended Colleges” for fifteen years. But after this Tuesday, Brown University took number one.