Reports are pouring in from the twelfth floor of University Hall, where an ongoing situation is currently developing. RA Mandy Cooper, a junior in CAS, has taken several residents of the floor into her room, where she is reportedly holding them at gunpoint.
Cooper refuses to release her captives until they “develop a sense of community,” according to Police Chief William J. Bratton. “I just want to make sure everyone is getting along and enjoying their residential experience here at NYU!” Cooper shouted as she held a handgun to one student’s head. “I’ll kill every last one of them if I have to!”
Cooper has reportedly sent down a list of demands, which include 30 discounted tickets to go see “Wicked” and 12 flyers for a program she calls “Community Snack Time.” Included in the same package was a severed finger and a bloodied manifesto titled “A Home Away From Home.”
“I will not rest until everyone on this floor has a cursory knowledge of each other’s majors and home states!” Cooper yelled over a megaphone to the police officers gathered at street level. “If my prisoners fail to create an environment in which they feel comfortable living, studying, or just hanging out together, I promise you the streets will run red with their blood!”
The police have been unable to contact any of the hostages, but Chief Bratton has reported that Cooper appears to be forcing them to play icebreakers and engage in half-hearted conversations.
“I gave them the chance to bond during our mandatory floor meetings,” Cooper stated. “They could have attended my weekly brunch program! I mean, how many fucking events do I have to plan!”