Brittany Hall Council Approves Switch From RAs to Secret Police In Addition to Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

Strange things happening in Freshman dorms are par for the course, but Brittany residents suspect something more sinister is afoot in their home. Strange people wearing black suits in the hallways. Frequent inspections. And now, reports of a disappearance.

“This week we were having a party in my room and there was a knock at the door,” said third-floor resident Polly Bass. “My roommate went to answer the door and I haven’t seen her since. I got a voicemail on my phone from her a few days ago that sounded like heavy breathing, a car battery being turned on, and screaming. I think she’s ok, she does have attention issues.”

An inside source highly placed within the Residence Hall’s administration met with WSL investigators late Thursday night, passing along a manila envelope filled with documents revealing the existence of a “Secret RA Taskforce” as well as approval from NYU officials to use, “enhanced interrogation techniques” in efforts to “shut down any and all illicit merry-making.”

“If a student is suspected of having any sort of gathering of the alcoholic nature, agents are hereby empowered to use any of the following to extract vital intelligence: tickle their feet until they squeal, threaten to drunk-text their ex, or even take their half-wet clothing from the dryer and dump it on the ground,” one document read. “If you suspect them of being a weed-head, shoot on sight.”

“I simply don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Building Director Kate Ovra, when asked about the new policy. “But you’d best stop looking into these things. Who knows what might happen in this crazy, dangerous city of ours,” she warned, before slipping away into the crowd.