Contents of Sexton’s Private Zoo Revealed


With his reign of terror and hugs coming to its close, WSL has tried to get to know Sexton just a little bit more. In our quest for the real J Sex, we discovered he is the proud owner of a private zoo.

Sexton’s secret underground fortress consists of many curiosities and wonders. Aside from the uninspired money tree habitat, although the alums chained to the debt trees was a nice touch, he has managed to collect some interesting stuff. Additionally, there were areas filled with slaves, leash kids and ethnically desirable freshman.

He also has various failed NYU mascot concepts that evidently are real things; for example, there are bobcat-looking animals with violets for fur that mostly sit around and watch HBO documentaries instead of participating in athletic activities. We also found a lone DVD with on one episode of Monk on it, which may or may not be related to the habitat.

One section consists entirely of paired animals believed to be extinct which he privately breeds; these include species of dodo bird, great auk and wooly mammoth. There’s a furnished room that houses Andrew Hamilton, complete with one-way mirror for his observational pleasure. However, that’s one cage that’ll need to be opened sooner than later.