Dance Majors Now Required To Take Classes Like No One Is Watching, and Other New Rules of Spring Registration

The birds are chirping, the snow is gone, you’re beginning to sweat more than usual, and you know what that means. Yes, it’s spring again at NYU, which means another rousing round of class registration is upon us!

However, due to the high standards of NYU’s academics, and a continuing desire to inconvenience you, NYU has again added more rules and regulations to registration. But fret not! We here at Washington Square Local have your back, and are here to navigate you through these rough administrative seas. We’ve compiled an easy list of the changes here:

  • Before registering, all student’s must meet with their advisors, the head of their department, their parents, and although they probably shouldn’t, their heroes.
  • Dance majors are now required to take classes like no one is watching.
  •  To better accommodate different experiences and demographics and, NYU has created a separate registry for students identifying as African-American, known as “Fat Albert”
  • Due to a clerical error, all Math classes are listed as Bath classes, and will be treated as such.
  • All students who have taken Writing The Essay must now take level two of the course, Drawing The Essay, followed by Singing The Essay, and finally, Interpretive Dancing The Essay.
  •  The number of credits needed to graduate has changed, and will be determined by dividing your weight by your height, adding your IQ, subtracting your age, then adding whatever number necessary to reach 140.
  • All liberal arts majors are now required to either shit or get off the pot.
  •  NYU Albert will now accept micro-transactions, allowing students to purchase faster loading speeds, class priority listing, and decorative hats for their NYU avatars.
  • Although registration will begin on 4/20, anyone wishing to enroll in classes early is invited to kindly blow it up their ass.
  • All transfer credits from incoming students will be accepted, but only at The New School.
  • Graduating Computer Science majors will no longer receive Bachelor’s degrees, but instead “Single And Ready To Mingle” degrees.
  • In order to improve organization and student’s ability to navigate, classes are now listed in order from Most Like Dead Poets Society to least.
  • All students’ minors have been changed to their majors, in an attempt for students to “live out their dreams before it’s too late”.
  • If you try to enroll in a class you do not have the prerequisite for, you will be publicly shamed, and forced to wear “the hat of stupid idiots”.