NEW YORK, NY–After waking at dawn from her bed made out of a mix of dead puppies and broken dreams, Allison Leary, NYU Executive Vice President and newly anointed demon ruler, decided to keep NYU open despite Hell freezing over. After witnessing a hilarious interaction in which a homeless man was beaten to death, Ms. Leary and her council of fallen angels summoned the Slavic demon Ala, whose sole purpose in the universe is to bring horrible, icy weather and eat children, in order to perform the unholy satanic ceremony that creates the emails stating the NYU will remain open. Many students were upset by this decision to keep school open, as snow and puddle stricken commutes are hard enough as it is. This has been made ever more difficult with the presence of flying pigs, horses eating each other, and rowdy, obnoxious Cubs fans now that the team has somehow won the world series. “It’s just really inconsiderate, typical NY-AHHHHHHHHH,” says sophomore Bradley Piper as he was eaten alive by one of Ms. Leary’s disciples. At that moment the moon turned from blue to blood red. It is unsure if NYU will have a half-day and leave at 3:00pm again. This all depends on if students can find another virgin to sacrifice.
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