Dining Hall Janitor Hates You More Than You Will Ever Know

30-year-employee of NYU Dining Eddie Johnson reportedly hates you, and all of your dumb-ass friends, with a fury that you will never quite be able to fathom.

“You come thudding in here, with your beanies and your ironic t-shirts. And you spill your Diet Pepsi all over the fucking floor,” Johnson said, his eye twitching uncontrollably. “And all you have to say for yourself is, ‘like, sorry, man.’ I hope you all die horrible, gruesome deaths.”

Johnson confirmed that his anger and resentment burns with the fire of a thousand suns, and that you will never be able to fully appreciate or comprehend the depth of his revulsion for you.

“If I can say one thing to whoever is reading, let it be this,” Johnson said, “Whatever you end up doing with your life, wherever you go after you graduate, just know: I will always hate you. God, I really hate you. Take comfort in that, whatever surprises life may bring, I will always wish you unwell. Always. Who throws their half eaten nuggets in the recycling bin? Fucking dipshits.”