According to NYU SafeRide Commissioner Gabriella Barnes, punishment was “swift and hard” after the University received word that 37-year-old Charlie Adams was operating school vehicles while slightly drunker than his passengers. “Sure, sometimes our drivers drink, who can fault them for that. But when you’re drunker than freshmen girls teetering in heels? We can’t sit idly by and watch that happen,” said Barnes. “He’ll be receiving at least a one-week suspension with pay.”
NYPD officers pulled Adams over last Saturday evening after watching his vehicle narrowly avoid missing a number of traffic cones and a trash can. “It was like he swerved to hit them,” reported Officer Greg Daniels, the arresting officer. After performing a field sobriety test, officers had Adams blow into a breathalyzer which he first mistook as a bottle of Jameson and tried to chug, before finally blowing an impressive 0.72. While this could be excused, the highest BAC of any passenger was a paltry 0.5.
Barnes and her team released an official University statement yesterday condemning Adams’ actions, saying that, “drunk NYU students deserve to have responsible drivers who aren’t as hammered as they are,” and reassured the community that “the BAC of the other drivers in our fleet are nowhere near Adams’ legendary ‘high score.’”
None of the seven passengers inside the vehicle during the arrest were injured, though none of them could quite recall the incident. “What?” asked confused and very hungover LSP freshman Libby Gilfeather, when asked for her version of events. “I was in a van? Can you please lower your voice? Have you seen my phone?”