EXCLUSIVE: Interview With An NYU Student Who Wasn’t Raped By Pike

FROM THE DESK OF PI KAPPA ALPHA:

Over the recent months, NYU fraternity Pi Kappa Alpha has come under fire for clearly untrue sexual assault allegations. We were fortunate to procure an interview with Casey Jones, a Sophomore Lit major who is here to put those rumors to rest.

WSL: So Casey, has a member of Pike ever attempted or succeeded at sexual assaulting you?

Casey: No. But my friend –

There you have it. Pike never has or never will rape someone. We can all rest easy now.