Freshman From Nebraska Attempts to Use Gelt at Duane Reade, Breeds a Deep Distrust of the Jewish People

Chanukah_gelt

NEW YORK , NY–Mike Parnell, from Creighton, Nebraska, recently overcame his deeply held fears of Judaism and decided to attend a menorah lighting. Upon celebrating the holiday with his Jewish peers, Mike felt a newfound sense of solidarity and peace. “I think I’ll be secure when these guys… y’know, take over”, he whispered.

As well as delicious latkes (or as Mike calls them, “hash brown patties”), Mike also received a gift of gelt, traditional chocolate coins. However, Mike was under the impression that these coins were legal tender. “I can’t believe they just gave away their money to me! I thought that was the one thing they wouldn’t do! I love Jewish people!”, exclaimed Mike.

Unfortunately, shortly after leaving the menorah lighting ceremony in Broome Hall, Mike stopped in at a Duane Reade to buy some detergent. Upon approaching the counter, the cashier explained that she could not take his gelt, and showed him that they were merely delicious candies in gold foil.

“Honestly, I just feel betrayed”, said Mike. “This just feels like one big elaborate joke they all played on me. How was I supposed to know that these were for eating?”

Washington Square Local contacted a rabbi for comment, but he stated that this issue was too idiotic for him to comment on. Mike is unsure about when he will feel safe enough to say anything in Yiddish again.