Freshman From Nebraska Buys Rare Octopus Lighter for $200; Turns Out to Just Be a Menorah

Fig. 1 – Rare Octopus Lighter

NEW YORK, NY–After spending $200 at the Brooklyn Flea Market on what he assumed was a rare octopus lighter, Mike Parnell, a freshman from Creighton, Nebraska, was informed by his best friend Noah Lerner that his prized purchase was, in fact, a menorah. “A menor-what?” Parnell asked, expressing confusion and disbelief over the that that his overpriced purchase was actually a common ornament of religious significance. “Okay, now that’s just a made-up word.” Even once the concept was explained to Parnell, he remained obstinate in his purpose. “Apparently this symbolizes a miracle or something? I just wanted to use it to light eight things on fire at once. That’s miraculous enough for me.” Although now empowered by the knowledge of the true nature of his octo-candled purchase, Parnell still plans to use it to light eight joints at once.