Freshman Hired to “The Tab” Writing Staff After Completing Writing The Essay and One Half of a Sociology Class

Celebration is in order as NYU freshman Kelly Carplin has recently risen through the ranks to become a part of The Tab NYU writing staff. The great leap forward came soon after Kelly successfully passed Writing The Essay, as well as completed half of her Sociology 101 course.

“In all honesty, we’re just looking for people capable of stringing coherent sentences together,” reports The Tab‘s editor in chief, Stephen Glass, who has not only taken a journalism class, but also once glanced at a real newspaper. “If the words make sense in order, that’s good. If you have opinions, that’s good too. If you have both, welcome aboard.”

“I’m so #blessed to be a part of this team,” commented Carplin, when asked about her astounding rise to glory, adding that she, “can’t wait to write horribly inarticulate think pieces about complex sociopolitical issues I’m neither familiar with nor qualified to comment on.”

“Kelly’s misunderstanding of basic terms, ability to read the ‘Now Trending’ list on Facebook, and her general confusion about the fundamental concepts of journalism really showed us the untapped potential she could bring to the The Tab,” lauded staff writer Josh Johnson. “I truly believe she will vastly raise the quality of this paper.”

Carplin’s first piece, entitled “Living In New York Is Hard Sometimes” is scheduled for publication soon, and is sure to dazzle readers with new and interesting insight on how to live in the city they’ve lived in for years.