Freshman Tearfully Comes Out To Roommates As Straight White Male

After just one week of living together, Steinhardt freshman and Founders resident Drew Laracy felt an intimate bond developing with his three other roommates.

“They just totally get me,” says Laracy. “We’re all so close and connected – I feel like I can share anything with them.”

This claim was put to the test last Saturday night during a drunken bonding moment, when Laracy stumbled into the room and raised his hands for silence. “He got this serious look on his face. He turned to us and, almost in a whisper, said he had something to tell us,” reports Ji-Sung Park, an English major from San Francisco.

Laracy proceeded to take several deep breaths, wipe the tears streaming down his face, and at long last spilled the beans, releasing a secret he hadn’t shared with anyone for 18 years: “I’m straight, I’m white, and doggone it, I’m a male,” he exclaimed. “If you can’t accept me for who I am, can you at least respect that I can’t change – nay — WON’T change?”
“It was kind of weird, really,” stated Park, when asked about the aftermath of Laracy’s dramatic revelations. “It’s like, dude, we already knew. You’re from West Lafayette, Indiana and have a Phish poster above your bed. For god’s sake, his dad’s name is Tanner.”