Freshman with 37 Meals Swipes Left Enjoys Popularity Surge

Freshman Rachel Ames is feeling peppy, radiant, and downright jubilant with her recent acquisition of friends due to a surplus of meal swipes. “I used to get anxiety about eating alone in the dining halls – now every meal has friends!” she exclaimed through a mouthful of Student Health Center-prescribed Xanax. “Sometimes, when we all get fries, we get one big plate that we put in the middle – with only ketchup on it!” Although Rachel’s joy is to be celebrated, it forebodes of tragedy when she returns to her hometown and spends her summer talking to her dog.