Gallatin Junior Purges All Friends Who Don’t Respect His Narrative

This past week, Randy Carpets, a junior in the Gallatin School of Individualized Study, announced that he would not respect prior friendships with those who do not respect his narrative. Carpets did not specify what his narrative entails.

Carpets, who is pursuing a concentration in Circus Dialectics, made it clear that his new rule applied to all friendships, past and future. “If you’re not on board for what I’m trying to do, what I’m trying to build, then we’re done,” he explained as he unfollowed friends on Facebook.

Again, Carpets did not elaborate on the specifics of the narrative. Friends hypothesize that the narrative involves sending in a writing packet to Newsweek.