Hey Emily, What’s Up?

Hey Emily! We have Economics of Global Business Together. Yeah, I know, haha, this professor is such a dick.  I can’t believe he expects us to memorize all this shit. Guess I’m not getting much sleep this week LOL!

The truth is, I’m psycho about you.  I know we’ve only spoken one-on-one about four times, but I won’t let the fact that I know next to nothing about you stop me from convincing myself that you’re the only person in this world who will ever make me truly happy.

That’s fucked up, I know, but believe me, it gets worse. On the outside, I seem like a happy person who jokes around constantly because I don’t give a shit, but the truth is, I try to be funny because I feel dead on the inside. Every time I crack a joke and it makes you laugh, I feel indescribably happy for about five seconds. I wish I could make you laugh all the time. It keeps my mind away from strangling babies with barbed wire.

I’ve fantasized about telling you this so many times, but this is as close as I’ll ever get. Its far more convenient for me to passive aggressively leave you clues than it would be to sit down and talk for five seconds. I’ve schemed thousands of plans to win your attention, only to pussy out at the last minute every single time. I’m putting an end to this carnival of horrors now before its too late.

I imagine that at some point while reading these words you’ll suspect that I might be talking about you. Whether that thought excites you or terrifies you doesn’t matter to me, because I’ll be taking this secret to the grave. I know this confession has crossed into serial killer territory, but maybe you can understand now why I’ve been keeping a lid on this.

This confession is completely self-serving. I don’t expect you to respond to or even read this article. I’m just trying to psychologically bury the hatchet so I don’t keep having nightmares about the children well never have because of my social ineptitude.

In the odd event that you figure out that this is about you and don’t immediately check yourself into witness protection, I’d love to hang out sometime. Maybe take a nice walk, order Chinese, sacrifice an infant, and see what happens?

This article may be a joke, but my feelings sure aren’t.