John Sexton Buys Out “Free Hugs” Guy, Officially Monopolizes Hug Market

After years of battling over the hug market, NYU President John Sexton finally bought out his main competition, “Free Hugs” Guy, in a multi-million dollar deal. The infamous “Free Hugs” Guy, typically seen in Washington Square Park embracing underage women or throwing soda cans at those uninterested in fucking him, admitted to feeling “dwarfed” by his corporate competitor long before the buyout.

“He’s a white pet-loving widower… how’s a grabby felon supposed to compete with that?” FHG lamented. While the terms of the buy-out remain very much a mystery, FHG indicated that he agreed to vacate his turf and secede all hug clientele to Sexton, effective immediately.

Sexton, who charges nearly $70,000 per yearly subscription to his hugs, plans to use the money to overhaul hug administration procedures completely. Huggers will now have the opportunity to upgrade hugs to the Full Body Embrace package for an additional fee — proving once again that Big Business always swallows the little guys.

In a press release following the deal, Sexton announced his plans to expand the business. By the year 2031 Sexton hopes to offer hugs in all five boroughs.