John Sexton Threatens to Strike for $500,000 Raise

Drawing inspiration from the recent success of the Graduate Student Organizing Committee (GSOC), NYU President, John Sexton, announced that he, if not given a $500,000 raise, will strike. “Look,” Sexton told us, “it’s about what’s fair. I’m barely the 8th highest paid University President in the country. When I talk to my friends who are Presidents at their respective universities they don’t understand how I get by on a mere $1.5 million a year. Do you know how much insurance premiums cost for a Bentley? It can get difficult.”

Many administrators are in panic over the prospect of Sexton striking. A Senior administrator speaking to us anonymously told us, “John has been really effective in giving a positive face to all the bullshit we pull. Without him at the helm, students might start to realize how bad blatantly we’re bending them over.”

At press time, the university announced their intention to grant President Sexton 150% of his requested raise.