CAS Senior Tim Donnelly has spent the last four days eagerly awaiting what he calls, “the shitshow of the century.” Four bags of Tostitos, a gallon of medium-hot salsa, and a 30-rack of Bud Lite are among the preparations the only member of NYU’s “College Republicans” club has made.
“I spent all weekend devising the perfect drinking game for tonight,” he told reporters outside his apartment in the Financial District. “Sip every time there’s an obvious attempt to humanize minorities, gulp when someone proposes a totally reasonable tax hike on millionaires, and fucking chug your whole drink at every attempt to wage war on Christmas. I’m gonna be fucking schwasted by the end of this.”
Donnelly has already drafted multiple tweets and Facebook status updates that he plans to deploy mere seconds after each “dirty red commie finishes every comment,” and has been practicing throwing empty beer cans at his television set while cursing the liberal agenda. He went on to add that, “any fellow Republicans out there are welcome to come to my apartment for an after-party, where we’ll go to my roof and shoot our guns into the sky while drinking heavily, being racist, and reveling in our own idiocy.”