Joseph A. Bankson, the fifth most respected name in men’s formal wear, was found imprisoned in the basement of the Stern School of Business early Monday morning, apparently acting as slave labor. Acting on an anonymous tip by a student with standards, authorities raided the basement, where they found several kilos of cocaine and the visibly shaken suit manufacturer chained to the wall. Early reports indicate that Bank was quietly taken prisoner close to three years ago by a small group of students who were tired of paying top dollar for mediocre suits and chose to take matters into their own hands in the hopes of receiving their pithy rags for free.
Julian Robertson, Stern spokesman, released a statement in the school’s defense insisting that the group was not responsible for their actions. “These boys have been through a lot. Between presentations, internship interviews, and downright chilly weather, it can be hard to continue to pay for the appropriate attire. We applaud these students for finding the enterprising solution of slave labor, modeled so well in Abu Dhabi.”
Other Stern students even took a break from plotting their next white collar crimes to speak out in support of the group and in protest of the lawsuit that Bankson is now bringing against them, creating confusing banners reading, “No Suits, Just Suits!”