NEW YORK — After not leaving Bobst for 48 straight hours, CAS Junior Mikayla Malencia noticed that she had started to develop an aversion to non-fluorescent light, and an almost allergic reaction to happiness in general. “Mikayla no need fresh air. Mikayla need at least B on Orgo midterm”, she shrieked while crouching and stuffing Cheetos in her mouth hole.
The primitive peoples have developed a religion and hierarchy extremely rapidly, being called to prayer several times a day when announcements are made over the library’s PA system. The administration is frustrated by increasing raids by “LL1-ers” on the vending machines, attacking with modified staplers and heavy volumes. The group then appears to return their haul of junk food to their queen, a former TA for O-Chem who has morphed into their demi-god.
While the University neither acknowledges nor denies the existence of this alien presence, their ranks grow by the day as freshmen are kidnapped and dragged, screaming, into the rare books stacks, and emerge several days later, covered in tribal adornments and body paints.
In other news, a new student group has emerged to protest unfair and species-est treatment of this new sub-breed of human.