Newly Added NYU Baseball Team Happy to Increase Lagging Douchiness Levels on Campus
New York University will be adding baseball to its varsity sports program this fall and the campus is buzzing about a new sports team competing in the NCAA. “We’re really excited to be representing NYU Athletics,” said captain Will Brennan, “but we’re more excited to be representing ourselves at bars, baseball team parties, and being your roommate’s jerk boyfriend”. Brennan, a senior from NYU Poly (correction, School of Engineering), believes NYU Baseball can become a brand on the Washington Square campus. “We want you to see us on Broadway in a gray ‘NYU Baseball’ t-shirt and think ‘oh no, it’s those guys’,” said Brennan as he was texting teammates to make sure they were going to “Bar None” tonight.
The baseball team’s addition to the UAA and NCAA was part of President John Sexton’s “I’m Leaving, I’ll Do What I Want” agenda. Sexton merged the NYU-Poly’s baseball team with the varsity athletic department in July and the season will begin in February 2015. Sexton is also the only season ticket holder.
The team is excited for the season to start, but with practices a few weeks away the players are more concerned with making sure everyone knows that there is a new varsity team on campus. “We really want to increase the state college feel at NYU by being really douchey in the locker room, Downstein, and at our jungle juice parties that you were dragged to,” says first baseman Jared Fallt. “In fact, we’re throwing one this weekend, 221 E. 11th street, $10 to get in, chicks only, and yeah, I’ll be drunk and horny by the time people show up.”
“In the end, if you’re going to make a mistake with a semi-attractive WASP, we hope you consider now making that mistake with an NYU baseball player,” said second baseman Adam Lacy confidently as he played with his custom made Yankees team on MLB 2K14. “Plus, two days later, you’ll get a text from me asking if you can come to my baseball game at MCU Park! If you commit and say yes, I’ll let you know it’s all the way down in Coney Island.” Coach Doug Kimbler had no comment. The first home game against Brandeis University is on March 28th at noon.
