North Korean Officials Deplore Conditions at NYU Amid Detained Student Crisis

North Korean officials have wasted no time attacking NYU policies in the wake of one student’s illegal entry into the totalitarian paradise. 

“Did he skip the class where you explain borders or do you even teach about them there?” said one general as he puffed on a Cuban. “In North Korea, no one has student debt. In fact, no one has much of anything. NYU asks of its students things we wouldn’t dream of asking our happy citizens.”

The North Koreans apparently also take issue with the school’s curriculum. 

“The Science of Happiness? What a joke. The secret to happiness is trust in the supreme leader,” another official said while shooting a nervous look over his shoulder.

After denying reports that President John Sexton offered $10 million to build a portal campus in Pyongyang in exchange for the student’s release, Korean officials offered a final statement:

“The glorious People’s Republic of North Korea extends its deepest sympathies to students living in Lafayette Hall next year.”