Following a recent string of assaults, muggings, and general disturbing of pussy-ass NYU freshmen, the NYPD has released an official report of their investigation into the so-called “CD Bullies” that have been terrifying wussy crybabies around the school’s de facto campus, Washington Square Park.
The report, in addition to mocking the affected students for being from “Bumblefuck, Wisconsin” and advising them to “stop being pipsqueaks and just ignore them,” found that a staggering 96% of all CD Bullies were in fact recent graduates of NYU’s Clive Davis Institute of Recorded Music.
A spokesperson from the institute’s Office of the Dean responded by saying that this sort of behavior was to be expected from, “desperate, hungry alumni attempting to repay their $250k worth of student loans,” and explained that their aggression stemmed from “four years of disappointing their parents.”
He went on to encourage students not to be afraid of these “struggling artists” and instead to support their “frankly amazing music” by paying the industry standard of $45 per CD (“$60 if they have homemade album covers made with magic marker. Have you seen Crayola’s prices lately?”)