NYU Alumni Debtors’ Prison, Small-Ass Quadrangle Among Things Included in 2031 Plan

As more details of the NYU 2031 plan reach the public, it’s difficult to comb through the layers of info to find what really matters to the student. Here is a list of key features of the expansions, broken down into districts.

• WSQ North: Plan for a more centralized “traditional college campus” will absorb eight square blocks around Fifth Avenue, featuring a small-ass quad and a charming Weeping Willow tree for students to sit under and consider their future. Local residents displaced by the plan will be invited to take up residence in the South Bronx.

• WSQ South: Coles to be torn down, rebuilt as exact replica of Globo Gym from Dodgeball in anticipation of possible need for shooting location for sequel that hasn’t quite been greenlit yet but will probably happen. It really comes down to whether Vince Vaughn can fit it in his schedule.

• WSQ West: In a wonderful extension of last year’s renovations, a sky bridge will be constructed between Hayden and the apartment building on the north side of Washington Place in order to facilitate friendly, traditional college hijinx between freshmen and grizzled ancient West Village residents.

• WSQ East: The administration plans to take advantage of Silver’s distinctive look on each floor by converting the historical building into a brothel for high-rollers with a different theme on each floor. Small sample of what’s to come: fifth floor will be geared towards boys who want to be filthy Victorian street urchins looking for mischief in the mill. The university will tear down and build over the entirety of the Village to compensate for this loss of valuable class space.

• Governor’s Island campus: The island known for formerly hosting a Coast Guard base will now house a conveniently-placed alumni debtors’ prison for any graduate who fails to pay back their student loans in a timely manner.

• Ellis Island campus: This historical landmark, where millions of immigrants passed through on their way to a new life, will soon house a welcome center for international students. Beginning in August 2019, incoming students from around the globe will be checked for Ebola and pocket change they don’t really need before having their name changed to sound more exotic.

• Polytechnic Institute: Apparently they’re gonna do some shit there, too.