NYU Langone Set To Offer ED (Early Decision) Pills To Prospective Freshman

In collaboration with the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, NYU Langone has announced new pills to help motivate high school students who have already gained admission to the university via the early admission route to continue to try their absolute hardest. The announcement comes after several reports of softening academic performance and limp student drive once the prospective freshmen learn they are done with the college admission process. “We just hate to see these bright young students get all flabby and droopy once they feel like they’re done with high school. The truth is, the second half of your senior is no time to get lax. In fact, it’s actually when you should be trying your super hardest.” Said Don Stone, the scientist from Pfizer heading up the project, as he wipes a capricious amount of perspiration from his brow. “You can’t start slacking in high school, because god knows some of these classes in college are hard as diamonds. Professors don’t want to see their students sitting there all disinterested and inelastic while they’re trying to teach. It could make them feel worthless and emasculated.” Possible side effects from the pill are said to be upset stomach, diarrhea, headaches, and a dangerously enhanced sex drive.