NYU Palladium Gym to Add Television Screens To Everything Imaginable
NEW YORK, NY–A recent grant from an unnamed philanthropist with the explicit purpose of “inspiring young athletes or some bullshit like that” is being put to good use at NYU’s Palladium Athletic Facility by placing television screens on every possible object in the gym.
“We weren’t quite sure how to respond in these troubled times,” says Martin Lipton, chair of the Board, “so we’ve just decided to put television screens on everything and hope for the best.” Lipton went on to describe the move as both “pioneering” and “just so crazy it might even work, you guys.”
“Think of the children,” Lipton added.
Current plans involve removing the existing TV monitors and replacing them with ultra-thin, high-definition, 3D-capable LG screens. “Wow, the image is really, really good, and the 3D looks so real. I can’t even feel the glasses,” remarks a trial subject in the middle of her 30-minute walk, which she insists is a “fantastic” workout because the incline is at a steep 3.5.
In line with the university’s participation in RecycleMania, an annual nationwide effort to encourage recycling and sustainability, the old monitors will be reused as paving for the gym floors, with each screen depicting various scenes of a charismatic yet approachable President John Sexton in casual clothes, perhaps enjoying a continental breakfast in a kitchen bathed in the soft gray light of dawn that accents the wrinkles around his whiskered mouth and kind eyes when he smiles while either kissing the infants of racially-diverse mothers with his supple lips or just thinking about butts.
Other rumors suggest a more comprehensive integration. Smaller televisions screens are allegedly being added to every dumbbell, barbell, and pretty much every piece of weight-training equipment, giving students the added luxury of sympathizing with the plight of the Syrian refugee on CNN while also getting incredibly swole. Board members are even considering attaching secondary TV’s on top of the main screens. As of now, officers are still heatedly debating whether these peripheral monitors will feature automatic PowerPoint presentations with each slide containing an inspirational Oscar Wilde quote or play the mtvU channel with the sound muted.
