NYU Student Tests Positive for Ebola, Definitely Sat Next to You in Class Yesterday

CAS Sophomore, Mike Jeffers, has tested positive for Ebola after spending a family vacation in Sierra Leone last weekend. Sources confirm that not only has Jeffers eaten at every dining hall over the last week, but definitely sat next to you in class yesterday, borrowed your pencil, and touched your face a couple times while you weren’t looking.

Jeffers now remains in quarantine in a large plastic bubble in the basement of Kimmel. However, sources now confirm that Jeffers snuck out of Kimmel last night, licked all the straws in the 4th street Starbucks, worked out on every machine in Coles Gym without wiping any of them off, then snuck into your dorm and used your toothbrush.

Despite these claims, Mike Jeffers’ doctors assure that NYU student’s needn’t worry. “Contracting this deadly disease shouldn’t be an issue,” reports Dr. Wade Grossman, “as long as everyone washes their hands.”

Dr. Grossman tested positive for Ebola this morning.