Perpetual, Uninterrupted Sadness Now Requirement For Financial Aid
According to well-placed sources within the NYU administration, on Wednesday the Office of Financial Aid made amendments to the financial aid agreement. The change requires students who desire financial aid to be completely and utterly sad during their entire time at NYU. Additionally, an enforcement plan is in the works that will require students to undergo random evaluations to make sure they have completely succumbed to misery.
“We heard you. And we want to cause you more pain,” announced Patty Bach, the Director of Financial Aid, at a meeting late Tuesday afternoon. “The change really makes sense. I mean, being absolutely, horribly gloomy is the least that these kids can do, when we take $50 off of their tuition. That’s almost 0.00000001% of the entire cost of going to NYU!”
When asked how the change would affect her, sophomore Margot Evans solemnly chuckled, before catching herself and looking around nervously. “I’m already super sad,” she said, tears welling in her eyes, as she forced a terrified smile. “I won’t have any trouble meeting the requirement.”
The change will be implemented just prior to Thanksgiving Break, in order to ruin the Holiday Season for students and give them a head start on being perpetually unhappy.
