Pike Brother On New Sexual Misconduct Training: “It’s fucking bullshit. I’m already amazing at sexual misconduct”

Mike McCrystle, brother of Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity, met the University’s new mandatory Sexual Misconduct Training with scorn and derision.”It’s a goddamn insult that they’re making us do this bush-league training with geed fucks. Do you know how hard it is to slip roofies into ten different girls’ drinks without any of them noticing? That isn’t just natural talent, it takes years of practice.”

After a long rant about “GDI pussy fucks” trying to “white knight” girls by pointing out Pike’s tendency violate basic individual rights, he went on to say that “It’s not my fault that my formal date got too sloppy. It’s her fault for not saying ‘no’ more than twice. Don’t hate the player, hate the fucking game.”

When we tried to explain that “Sexual Misconduct Training” does not imply instruction in the art of date-rape, the Pike member asked, “Wait, so its like a sex education course? Does it say whether or not touching my pledge brother’s penis is gay?”