As members of one of the country’s most progressively-minded universities, students and groups across NYU have been quick to embrace the growing culture surrounding the self-identification of gender and sexuality, allowing each person to decide how they want to be referred to. Looking to join this “latest trend,” as Pike spokesman Alec Grossman put it, members of the fraternity have revealed that they all self-identify as “innocent until proven guilty”.
“This has been a long time coming,” said Grossman on behalf of the fraternity. “It is a basic human right for one to be referred to solely under one’s own terms; to do otherwise is a violation that nobody should stand behind, and anyone will tell you that we at Pike usually don’t stand behind to violate.”
Mr. Grossman’s self-identification of “innocent until proven guilty” was mostly shared by other members of the fraternity as they were interviewed by the police later the same day, although some members seemed disappointed to be reduced to a single descriptor.
“Truthfully, this shouldn’t have to happen, because we’re all so much more than just innocent until proven guilty,” insisted senior Bradley Timbers. “We’re nice guys, great students, lacrosse players, criminal justice majors, swimmers, and even class president nominees. It feels ridiculous that we are forced to only identify as ‘innocent’ just because it fits the narrative that authoritative figures like our parents and lawyers say to tell.”
Fortunately for Mr. Timbers, even though they seem progressive, everyone around him at press time still refers to him by his long list of descriptors, no matter what.