BREAKING: Stern Student Forced to Make Small Talk with Possibly Stoned Gallatin Student


Finance and Econ double major Steven Michaels found himself trapped in a devastatingly awkward conversation with a disgruntled and barely shaven Gallatin student early Tuesday afternoon. One hour after inviting Communications major and Spanish minor Sarah Stone on business lunch date, he was alarmed to receive a text asking if her friend Phil Lotusshine could join the pair. “It’s not like I was going to say no”, reported a disgruntled Michaels after the encounter, “I figured he was a Marketing major too, or at least in GLSP.”

It was only after spying the tie-dye tank top and torn Chuck Taylors worn by his date’s friend, who he soon discovered answered to Phil as well as “Philbomb” and “Cheetos monster”, that Michaels understood the gravity of the situation. Witnesses have reported that less than two minutes passed before Ms. Stone excused herself to utilize the facilities, leaving Michaels alone with the Cheetos monster.

“What the hell kind of major is ‘the gender politics of botany in the pre-modernist eastern world?’”, later exclaimed an exasperated Michaels. “Also, I swear my shirt smells like incense and fish fertilizer now.” Rumors have since surfaced that the Philbomb partook in totally weird activities including aggressive nose picking and attempting to compost Michaels’ leftovers by putting them in a ziplock bag filled with joint roaches and woodchips.

As of press time, Michaels’ condition was listed as stable, although he swore he might be getting a pimple where Lotusshine’s sweater brushed up against his face.