At 3:45 PM today, Sophomore Camden Calloway was penning out a potential draft of his suicide note. He accidentally left said note in UG-LIT 104: Writing the Modern City, and it was subsequently found by Prof. Ricky Dawson and assigned a grade of C-. “He neither fulfilled the assignment of writing an analytical essay about the underground beat scene nor did he use any originality in his statements of self-harm. I just assumed it was just another poorly written assignment.”
It’s surprising to see how Ricky could have mistaken the note for homework, as the letter started with, “To my mother and father: I’m so sorry. The pain of living has been a burden on my shoulders.” “You can see why I gave it a low grade. Just a lot of cheap sentimental bullshit,” Prof. Dawson said, referring to a fellow human being’s cry for help. “The spelling and grammar were atrocious,” Dawson continued as we tried to leave his office. “Heart is spelled ‘ea’ not ‘ae’ ‘I feel like I had failed’ should be ‘I feel like I have failed.’ And this, look at this, ‘I a disgrace to my family name?’ How can you forget to add a verb? This is a college course and I expect more.”
Dawson refuses to change his stance on the grade, even though it wasn’t technically homework nor even intended for him to read. “In this current climate of über political correctness, you have to take a stand somewhere,” said the man who gave a tear soaked page of honesty and pain the second lowest passing grade possible.
“Yeah, that’s typical Calloway,” says Calloway’s roommate Chet Checkers. “And the worst part is now Camden is too embarrassed to do it, so I can’t walk in on the body and get all A’s. I still have to study.”