Sexton Announces Next Step of Expansion: Underground Metropolis
On the heels of their 2031 campus expansion plan, NYU has announced yet another growth initiative. Yet, this time the university isn’t expanding outward into Manhattan, but downward.
The NYU 2300 Plan outlines the school’s approved proposal of constructing new campus space below the street and deep, deep into the ground.
“We realized there’s only so much surface-level New York. But as a global university we still wanted to grow. And then one day, BANG! It hit me, the solution was right there under our tukhuses!” said John Sexton, the current NYU President who spearheaded the ‘2300’ project (using a common Yiddish word for buttocks). “Why not build down? We’re sitting on miles and miles of unused real-estate, just begging to be developed on. We’ve done Midtown, we’ve done Brooklyn. The Earth’s crust just felt like the appropriate next step.”
Despite many city organizations and officials expressing concerns about the plan’s possible effects on New York’s infrastructure, the team heading the initial construction feels confident that all will go well as they begin their work this Spring. The head foreman on the project, Donald Fusco, commented that “Yeah, I mean it’s called the ‘2300 Plan’ but there’s really no official timeline here. We’re just kind of blindly drilling straight down into the ground until we hit the planet’s outer-core.”
Among other facilities set to be built in the ungerground campus are a state-of-the-art research facility, a new black-box theater, and “more places for students to like sit around and go on their laptops between classes and stuff.”
Temperatures near the Earth’s center can approach 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, and with unwelcoming weather already burdening many students daily routine it’s hard to see these new climate challenges going over well with the NYU community. Junior Christine Davenport, an Environmental Biology major in CAS, seemed especially worried. “What the fuck are they thinking?” she pointedly asked, “Is this a real thing? Holy shit, this school has officially gone off-the-fucking-wall crazy with power.” Christine continued to explain that the plan was “literally impossible”, citing economic, environmental, and general physics issues that the plan seemed to be laden with.
Similar words of doubt came from the MTA (Metropolitan Transportation Authority) who when asked about how the plan would affect the subway system responded “What!? No, no, no. We’re 100% not okay with this.”
Nonetheless, Sexton had nothing but positive feelings about how the newly dubbed ‘NYU Crust’ campus will turn out. “I guess a slice of pizza isn’t the only way to get some piping hot New York crust anymore,” he quipped before getting in an elevator and neglecting to hold it for a worried-looking student who shuffled up just in time to hear Sexton’s distinctive chortle escape from behind the closing doors.
