Study Finds Everyone You Know Having Sex With Each Other Except You

It’s about that time of year, when all love triangles, squares, and other romantic geometric shapes have taken form. However, according to a recent study, you are the only one of your friends to not to be hooking up within the social circles that have formed over the semester.

Recent polls have shown that your best friend Doug is definitely going to seal the deal with that girl he’s been obsessing over, leading you to both feel good for him and loathe him more than you ever thought you could.

What’s more, the person you’re interested in has already begun a six month long off and on fling that is sure to ruin you emotionally, as well as frustrate you sexually.

Final details coming in also show that all acquaintances you’ve gathered have been attending a bi-weekly orgy, and that no one sees you as sexually viable option, but more as “a REALLY good friend.”