Los Angeles, CA – Upon returning home to Los Angeles after finishing his sophomore year in Tisch, student “Richard Gellhorn” was stunned and devastated to find out his girlfriend of 3 and a half years has been cheating on him, and has finally decided to call it quits and move on.
Richard’s girlfriend, Martha Lauren, allegedly contacted Richard the day after he got back home and asked to see him. The next day, they engaged in a brief encounter where Martha shared the details of an ongoing affair, asked to never see Richard again and left him single, alone and heartbroken forever. God I miss her so much. Holy fucking shit what am I going to do all summer. I literally have nobody.
In this painstaking example of love and loss, Richard’s eyes were opened to the harsh reality of the world what the fuck, how did I not see this coming? Oh my god I’m horribly depressed someone please tell me it’s going to be okay.
Richard believes his life will forever be split into “before the breakup” and “after the break up”. He doesn’t quite understand how after 3 and half years, a beautiful flourishing relationship could end so suddenly. Apparently, he has been writing and drinking his feelings away how is my stupid ugly fucking face and out of shape body every gonna attract the likes of a female ever again? I mean who would ever be attracted to me anyway? How could I even blame Martha? I wouldn’t want to be stuck dating a guy with a nose like mine. I’m a disgrace. A fucking embarrassment.
In the weeks since the breakup, Richard fears the likelihood of finding another girl, finding love or even finding the tiniest molecule of happiness is dwindling with every passing moment as he enters the cold, dark and claustrophobic abyss of single life.
In his final moments with his darling love, with the woman he once imagined himself marrying- with the woman who made him feel things he may never feel again- with the woman of whom he has adored and worshipped and loved with every ounce of his being since they met his junior year of high school- Richard was shown photos of Martha engaging in sexually explicit acts with another man. Yes, kissing counts. A kiss fucking counts. I don’t kiss everyone I meet- only people I want to have sex with so its basically the same fucking thing and everyone can shut the fuck up who thinks otherwise.
Martha then told Richard that she had moved on a long time ago, and had only wished she told him sooner. Well it’s too late for that now, huh, bitch? Now you’ve strung me along- teasing me and letting me live under a fog of deception and false happiness and I’ll have to carefully redesign every fabric of my being to find a sense of meaning and purpose ever again. I mean Richard will have to do that. Not me, the writer. Fuck.
Richard has since expressed regret in holding onto his high school sweetheart relationship into his college years. He feels he has wasted two of the “glory years” with a she-devil whore, I mean woman, who apparently never loved him. He feels he has missed out on some beautiful relationships that could have been and fears all the good NYU girls are taken. Good girls of NYU- if you are out there reading this- Please. Please- contact me. (818) 293-5546. I’m so lonely. I need to feel companionship again. I’m here. I’m single. I’m ready.
No I’m not, I miss Martha so much. God I’m depressed. Fuck. Martha if you’re reading this- this is a cry for help. I forgive you. Please take me back. Please! That’s all folks I hope everyone else’s summer has been really fucking peachy.