NYU’s Inter-Residence House Council’s annual tradition of bussing students to Central Park to enjoy an evening of having no fucking traction whatsoever while freezing your god damn nips off got off to a rocky start after a five-a-side pick up hockey game turned into an all out murdering spree.
“It all started when that fucking hoser started getting chippy with me after we scored on the power play in the second period,” says Steinhardt sophomore Bryce Gordon, an Ottawa native. “I was on a fast break, had my boy Beefy cutting into the far channel, and as I go to get the pass off that piece of shit commie fuck hits me so hard my brain bucket flies off and nails the ref in the head.”
“Shit of bull,” replied commie fuck Mikheil Petrovitch, Stern Class of ’15 after being asked for his version of events. “I tap him as I would tap head of small dog. It not my fault he built like house of first pig,” he explained, taking a swig of Svedka from a Gatorade bottle. “In my country every man wrestle bear after 10th birthday.”
As the two began to fight, members of both teams flooded the ice to join in the bloodbath. Match officials looked on helplessly as the once-glossy sheet of ice began looking like Stalingrad.
“At one point I literally thought I was in that beach scene from Saving Private Ryan, ya know the one I mean?” said Lindsey Shafer, a freshman from Galveston, TX. “Except that we’re in New York, not Normandy. And a park, not a beach. And it’s hockey, not saving Matt Damon. I guess it’s more like Miracle, but without that coach guy and a lot more blood.”
It took NYPD officers close to an hour to bring the situation under control. “We are happy to say that there were only two casualties at the incident in Central Park earlier today,” reported Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly at a press conference late Tuesday evening. “Three students were transported to Beth Israel for emergency limb reattachment surgery and, barring the very high chance of dying due to negligence and/or malpractice, they are expected to make a complete recovery. And as for the one young lady who lost both her left arm and leg, don’t worry,” added Kelly, pausing for effect. “She’s all-right now.”