New Wasserman Service Provides Red Sharpie and Classified Section To Students


In a groundbreaking new tactic to help NYU students find employment, the Wasserman Center for Career Development is now providing FREE red sharpies they found around the Village and the classified sections of newspapers they stole from sleeping homeless people.

Why revert to such a tedious system of job hunting? Simple. The Wasserman Center employees do not know how LinkedIn works because they don’t care. In fact, when questioned, an anonymous representative for the Wasserman Center stated, “People skills are more important than computers, our training teaches us that. Says right here in our training manual, copyright 1979.”

He continued, “I have a job and you can too if you just try hard! Jesus, it’s like you kids don’t know the value of perseverance.” He then proceeded to turn up the volume on his record player to begin Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.” Being a qualified news source, we checked up on the release of said single… it was 1979. It would seem that the Wasserman Center is just stuck in a perpetual state of 1979.

They might be in a Groundhog Day-like scenario in which the spell will be broken once one of us actually gets a job. Guess we’ll find out.