Wide-Eyed Freshman’s Parents File for Bankruptcy

NEW YORK, NY—Steinhardt Freshman Timmy McPherson, a student admitted with no financial aid, has been having the time of his life this semester as his parents are preparing to file for Chapter 13 Bankruptcy.

“It’s been an experience unlike any other,” Timmy said enthusiastically as he sat against the dimly-lit Washington Square Park arch doing his Writing the Essay homework. “I’m thrilled that I’ll be spending the remainder of my four undergraduate years here,” he said with the most genuine smile you’ve ever seen as his parents met with their lawyers in the home they are preparing to sell at a foreclosure auction.

“I get Mamoun’s falafel every day, and bubble tea– have you guys ever had bubble tea?!” Timmy asked us casually as he walked into Kimmel completely unaware that his father has been searching for temp jobs on Craigslist. “I try to drink a different flavor of bubble tea every day to get the full experience.”

Timmy, who’s studying Media, Culture and Communication, and hopes to one day own Viacom, is considering studying abroad next year while his parents teeter on the edge of pauperism but worries he’ll miss out on the full NYC treatment. “I’m just taking it day by day. The world is my oyster.”

We were unable to reach his parents for comment due to their electricity being cut off.