With Abrupt Return of Fountain, Surprised Goddard Resident Loses Virginity to a Stream of Water

Early Thursday afternoon, the famed Washington Square Park fountain was turned on — in more ways than one. Gretta Parker, a resident on the social justice floor in Goddard Hall, got all of her holes filled by one of those crafty geysers.

“I was just sitting down enjoying the spring weather and before I knew it, my cooter was filled to the brim with city water. I always thought I’d save myself until marriage, but in the end, I’m just happy I lost it to something really special,” commented Parker.

Although there is stiff competition for her between tiny six year old boys in speedos, and homeless men taking shits, she’s certain that her and the geyser, “shared a connection, and it’s nothing to worry about… right?”

When reached for comment, the fountain had nothing to say, and continued spraying its frothy fluids all over park patrons. According to Parker it’s just its way of “playing hard to get.”